I often feel as if I am trapped in my own mind. At thirty two years old I have continuously found myself starting from square one. Rebuilding, recalibrating. Trying new things, seeing what will stick.
Honestly: I think way too damn much.
In my short lifetime I have lost myself (many times) in alcohol, drugs, other people. And I have found myself (many times) again.
I have achieved things I never thought I would. I have lost things I never thought I would. I have gotten sober and stayed sober. Ive challenged my thought patterns and actions to attempt to match who I want to be. I have packed up my entire life and I’ve started over on the other side of the country.
And believe me: I’ve been fucking humbled. The majority of this has come around because I can also be a certified moron.
But the one thing I have pushed myself to do is to love every version of myself every step of the way. To be grateful for all of my experiences, good or bad. To give myself grace for my moronic decisions and try to figure out why I chose them to begin with. Sometimes I realize that I am making the same ones in different ways, you can see what I mean if you go back into the archives.
But here we are: a space I’ve created to put all those thoughts out there. All the questions I ask myself and how I continue to process my life as it unfolds. I have to challenge myself often to keep all the posts public. The journey is hard to look at sometimes.
This is not a life coach blog. It’s not a guide. I’m not giving anyone advice. Nothing here is being presented as the universal truth.
It’s just where I am and where I’ve been. There is no way to know what the future will hold but the past is right here to see.
All I can offer you is my authentic self. I can only hope that if you relate to anything I write that it finds you and makes you feel a little less alone. We can ride out all the storms life throws at us together.
I am Savannah Hughes, and this is Hawkmoth Rising.
